Bleary-Eyed

 

Omigosh, that looks so good. I want to collapse on a giant beach ball with my feet dangling in warmed-from-the-sun sand. Maybe there could be a convenient sunset or a delightful puppy to further wander into la-la land … obviously there would be a crisp chardonnay nearby and any number of seashells to scoop up along the shore.

 I am exhausted. These last two weeks at my soon-to-be-former gig have been rough on the psyche.(1)  Although I generally handle stress very well (an occasional headache is the worst, really), this is a whole new kind of stress. The looming specter of unemployment is call for every sort of planning, of equating, of guessing. How far will money stretch, how can I control household expenses, what can I do for freelance, who haven’t I networked / asked / called, what will I do all day if I don’t WORK (ok, well that last one is the easiest, of course)?

 Stress rarely affects my sleep. In fact, I am something of a narcoleptic between the hours of 10 and 6. I have fallen asleep during movies, car rides, and, on a few unfortunate occasions, during conversations. I have a well known affection for sleep – I could list 20 things that I love about my bed (2)  I am practically a sleep gourmet. I adore warm, fluffy blankets, squishy pillows, cool sheets; waking up early enough to know that there is still time to sleep; the delicious moment when I am completely relaxed and drifting off. I rarely require an alarm clock to wake up and even more rarely require anything at all to fall asleep. Until now, of course (is the all-too-obvious subtext).

 These past two weeks, my neck has been like a steel rod of stressed muscles (in part due to my leaning into the computer, seeking the happy ending) and falling asleep requires a complex combination of counting backwards and self hypnosis (your toes are getting sleepy … your feet …). Then, I toss and turn with unremembered nightmares and wake up at 3 AM – exhausted and not-at-all sleepy.

Some of my friends in Chicago who lost their jobs in 2002 or so were out-of-work for upwards of a year. If that happens to me, I’ll likely need to be institutionalized for severe sleep deprivation… kind of a funny picture – me in a straightjacket, babbling at a nurse that I need something a little more challenging than grocery store paperbacks to read.

A much more optimistic post (as there is reason for optimism) coming very soon … tomorrow morning, in fact. To all a good night –

*(This is a David-Foster-Wallace-length footnote. I take complete creative license as I am wallowing in self indulgence this week, and probably next. Then, I plan to get it completely together and take on the world again. Anyway, on with the footnote…)

(1) I understand why most companies give severance instead of notice – no matter how good your intentions are, it is really difficult to work around a group of people who effectively have taken away my only source of income, but apparently love the work I do (to the point of arguing over who gets to be my reference) and want me to magically imbue all my best qualities and teach all my best techniques to the survivors. That is a tall order. I do marketing strategy, writing, presentations … how do you teach someone to think like you? To write like you? To work like you? Let alone, how does someone who has been winning public speaking accolades since she was in her early teens teach someone else how to handle an audience, give an extemporaneous presentation, comfortably answer questions? Even with the excellent skills I learned from Barbara and Sue Silk, all I can offer is tools and techniques – practice takes, well, practice. And, my dedication to deadlines, my take on people, my ability to balance lots of projects … these, are not teachable things. It’s frustrating on one hand and thrilling on the other – I don’t want them to fail, certainly, but on the other hand, it’s gratifying to know that I am much, much more than a job description, that what I bring to an organization can’t be handed off in a manual or a week of training sessions. Still, as I was pitching a huge telecom today, I couldn’t help but think I would miss it … software sales and marketing are about so much more than functionality, they are about the possibilities of the human imagination, they are creativity and shared knowledge working toward  improving the quality of work or life … it is, quite simply, fun.

(2) Long ago, in Athens (Ohio University), I had the distinct pleasure of working with Chris Stewart, an English major and college enthusiast. We had rather boring jobs at the time, lots of opportunities to doodle or chat while waiting on hold. He wrote the silliest poems, including one that I think of once a month. A brilliant set of verses that began, “Oh bed how you mock me so, but to work and school I must go….”