Walking at the speed of smell, she promenades slowly by, mocking the very idea of urgency with every sashay and meandering step. As the pushed-three-times, last-possible-second, drop-dead deadline approaches with mere seconds to spare, she wanders by with that final proof the ACD has been screaming for since noon, dangling from her manicured fingers.
As if by some magical spell, he is gone at exactly 5:30 every day. The “end of work day” time listed as a guideline in the employee manual is the end of his commitment to the team, no matter how much work is piled up on the desk of the chump with an old-fashioned work ethic who will find herself still staring at the screen when the 10PM pizza delivery arrives.
His credo is “I’m not paid enough to work overtime.” And, while he will take advantage of the casual dress code, the occasional beer on a Friday afternoon and every ounce of personal time afforded him, the one thing he will not do is grace his desk a second after the horn blows and he goes soaring down the dinosaur’s tail to get home to Wilma and Dino.
Eh, Why NOT Start at 2AM?
Who knows what he does during the actual work day. What with the towering workload that could keep three creatives busy 10 hours a day and all the meetings, the managing of people and expectations, the requisite long lunches, who has time to work at the OFFICE? Not he, not he.
Instead, he flips on the TV around 11, brushes the Doritos crumbs off a stack of coffee-stained briefs and digs in. Never mind the misspellings, the unanswered questions, the missing images that production can “drop in” at another time. He needs to send these PDFs out by 2AM to avoid missing the morning deadline.
The AE stares dumbly at him as he actually starts snoring in a meeting. Snoring. His chin has long-since dropped to his chest and it was easy enough to ignore when he just stopped receiving the copy input at the workstart meeting, but now, as his drool splats on the brief, the entire group has turned to stare in awe of just how difficult it is to get fired from our under-staffed little family.
Chit Chat: Oh no, you don’t stop
Other employees try to sneak by her cube silently – slinking across the last few yards, some dropping to the floor in a military field crawl. Once she spies you, hours of your life can disappear to that sound of an “oh, girl!” The long, drawn-out details of her weekend; a story from a client at an former agency; a memory from childhood … they all crash down on your in waves of desperation. There is no wandering away, no hints – no matter how overt – she will follow you to a meeting, into the bathroom, out to your car. There is no escape.
Laughing-Out-Loud by Herself
Oh, I love that IM. *Cackle* Gosh, I’m funny. *Giggle*. Weeeeeeee, work is so darn fun when you’re not doing it! *Guffaw*
(Fine, I admit it. This one is me.)
Slouching, AKA: Puppy Dog Eyes
She slinks up to your office door looking like a kicked dog. Before a word even comes out of her mouth, she communicates failure, misery and vulnerability. By the time she speaks, you’ve already begun to feel hostility. If the agency were really a high school (instead of the grown-up, gossipy equivalent), this girl would get a swirly.
“Hey, when can we get together about a new project for The Client?”
“Yes, I have more things to do than your little mind could possibly imagine. There’s this and that and this and seven of these.”
“How about Monday then?”
“**SIGH** I am wildly inconvenienced by your request that I actually work on the clients I am assigned to. Can’t you see that I’m a curmudgeon who finds all human interaction to be aggravating? And, you’re just an AE. Why would you even presume to talk to me, Sr Creative Guy? Go back to your little desk. I need coffee.”
Can You Hear Me Now?
I AM SO SMART. MY IDEAS ARE FANTASTIC. I’M TALKING AT THIS VOLUME SO THAT EVERYONE CAN BASK IN MY BRILLIANCE.
The very best moments for The Bullhorn are when he stops listening to himself in meetings and strange strings of words start to babble forth. The question, my friends, is yes.
The Sycophant Approach to New Business
“I have an idea. What if the entire new business team parachuted in to the pitch to show how we’re like the green berets of advertising – we go in and do the tough jobs. And, then, we can personally cook them a huge steak dinner and give them all gift certificates to the Mercedes dealership”